Wednesday, 13 November 2013

The Doings of Three Crazy Goblins II

Part I

Our prime concern, was that we lacked some heavy hitters. Our pirate crew consisted mainly of goblins. Which is fine when you have enough goblins, as they can easily swarm the opponent as a well mannered zerg. But seeing as this was the sea, where plague, disease, and scurvy roam, not to even mention all the enemies, sharks, and venereal diseases, we needed some muscle that would befit our cunning and greed.

We set for one of the islands where we knew ogres and orcs worked as slaves for an elf living in a manor on top of the hill. The manor was surrounded by coconut and banana plantations. We arrived to the small port, guarded by altogether four elven guards. We displayed the old flag of the slavers, thus being mistaken as a vessel of a trading guild. All of the goblins were waiting downstairs. The only one on board, was the dwarf and his elven assistant with Hur's hat on his head. Hur believed this would make the cover more believable.

As the dwarf opened the mouth about the storm and how they had to adapt the ship, the elves just looked at him with a snicker of ridicule on their faces. As the dwarf continued the story, elves realised it was a ruse, and tried to warn the rest of the island. The three captains cursed and ordered the rest of the crew to jump out. Hur took his hat back and charged. He grabbed the barrel of rum from the dwarf's hands in order to use it to set elves afire.

The plan failed spectacularly. As Hur threw the barrel of rum, the dwarf jumped like never before, ran to the elves, caught his rum, and then went back slowly muttering about disrespect and how ingrates treat rum these days. This was the facepalm moment number one. It was the turn of the elves and they cut a few of the goblins already, throwing some more into the sea.

The next plan Hur came up with, was to utilise the local wild life. He contacted the seagulls with his mind asking them for their assistance against the knife-ears. For some undisclosed reason, he forgot his ears are as knify as the elven, if not more. Probably more. The sea gulls attack ended with a barrage of shit landing on the previously vividly red shirt of captain Hur. The shirt was now pink because of all the excrement on it. The other two captains were trying not to die of laughter.

In a desperate attempt to do something, Hur ordered the orc named Grunt, to bull rush the elves. The bull rush was a critical fail. The wooden pier we were engaged on collapsed. The luck would have it that the water we were in was only up to our knees, thus we lost only a few goblins. The elves bolstered by our continued failures continued to make a short work of our crew.

Seeing the direness of situation, Ben tried healing some of the crew members, and Lew wanted to resurrect the dead. I do not recall how the second one went but I doubt it was a success. Hur came up with the last plan. This was the last resort. If this did not work, they would probably die in the next turn. He ordered the singing monkeys to do their job. To the surprise of everyone the monkeys managed to stun all the elves with their singing. At that moment, our DM played Africa performed by Perpetuum Jazzile. The timing was perfect.

As the goblins regained the momentum, Hur gave another chance to Grunt to prove himself. This time, Grunt rushed into the group of elves with success. Crushing three of them with his weight and tripping the fourth. The remaining goblins swarmed the last elf and were short of making mincemeat out of him.

We ended with Hur collecting all the elven cuspids and adding them to his necklace. Ben was tending to the wounded, and Lew inquired about the corpse of one of the elves. The DM, thinking he wanted to resurrect the elf into undead servitude, told him he is not strong enough. Lew answered, that he was not asking about resurrecting the elf. There was a moment of silence as we tried to understand what Lew wanted. Then, we burst out laughing, realising his allusions to necrophilia.

We ended the game at this point. It was convenient, as it let us think of our plan how to take the mansion, and how to persuade Lew not to totally defile the dead elf. The latter, was the harder of the two.

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