Wednesday, 6 November 2013

The Doings of Three Crazy Goblins I

Some time ago, my group of friends wanted to try something new for our tabletop D&D. We usually play our own campaign following the 4.0 rules. It is pretty casual, more laughter and frustration over the dice rolls, than any kind of really serious roleplaying or powergaming. But every now and then we like to try something new. Or even create something ourselves.

So, we tried something new. A friend who ran that game made it all pretty simple. The only dice we would need were the two regular six sided ones. He said that the only rule is, the rule of cool. Anything we come up with goes. As he said it, if he tells us we enter a room, and then one of us decides to jump and swing from it in midair killing three enemies with the flame of the candles, we could do it.

I think this was his attempt at making us roleplay more than we would normally. He wanted a wacky, insane characters, and knowing how our previous game centred around the goblin settlement went, he knew we could deliver. One day I might write about that as well.

We had to roll about our profession. We ended up with a necromancer, healer, and a druid. I was the druid. And this was not your regular druid shifting in all sorts of animal forms. The only power this druid had, was communicating with animals.

As the story went, we were three brothers. Goblin princes that ended as slaves on the galley, rowing. Imagination did the rest. necromancer was called Lew, the healer Ben, and my druid was named Hur. Our kingdom was a desert, full of scorpions and all unpleasant things. The goblins worshipped god named Schraufenziger. Our emblem was the nut of the screw. 

And everything was fine, as fine can be until the elves came. Elves tried to "help" the goblins. They wanted to terraform the empty desert into the lush forests where everything would come in abundance. The goblins disagreed. They loved their desert. They liked it as empty and pointless as it was. Full of scorpions, pariahs, dust and goats.

The goblins lost the war and were enslaved. The three princes, each with his own streak of insane and well beyond only morally objectionable ended up as galley slaves. Our only premise was, that we are to be pirates. I believe our DM though this would go fine with the way we like to do things. Which usually is quickly, painfully, and with a streak for destruction.

I hit the elven guard with my full bowl of something that was to be lunch. I was taken on the deck and whipped mercilessly. Ben and Lew, luckily remained calm and noticed the keys the the dwarven cook slipped to us before I accidentally almost sabotaged our riot. They freed the remaining slaves, recruited the orc drummer, and left the drunken dwarf to his sleep.

The combat ensued and after some rolls they were victorious. My goblin druid was still tied to the mast. Sulking that he did not get the chance to participate. Also in great pain, but sulking hurt more. It is the goblin's nature. The orc proved capable, albeit a bit slow at times. The dwarf, once sober knew how to get us on one of the closer islands where we could rest and retrofit the ship. We were not really comfortable with the idea that now that we started the rebellion, we would become slave masters ourselves. That was just asking for trouble. Oars had to go.

We quickly threw the corpses into the sea, not giving our necromancer a chance to fulfil his necrophiliac tensions. After much of deliberation we started rowing until we came to the island. There we found a secret cove which led to a giant cave that could hide our ship. As the three captains of one ship, we each had our own room. This is just the way with goblins. Why have one, if you can have two, and why stop at two if three captains is even more. The goblin's greed knows no bounds.

Lew the necromancer tried to learn how to read. Unsuccessfully, even though he was sure he knew how to do it. His ability to read was as if you turn the book upside down and tried to make sense of it. Lew also killed the previous captain's parrot, and then resurrected it. His spell was not entirely successful, so the parrot remembered who killed him. The parrot hit Lew every now and then with his beak, giving him "the glare". As the Lew was busy getting his head cracked by the parrot, Hur got him a necromancer staff. He told his brother that he stole it form the local voodoo master. In truth, it was a simple plank on which Hur drew a face on.

Hur the druid, decided to wear one of the captains red shirts, that fell all to his knees, thus he did not need pants. He donned the biggest hat he could find and folded it, until it resembled an admiral's hat. And to top it all of, he found a pair of old folded boots, and a chafed leather belt. He gambled his way to a dagger, and on his back he wore a stick that served as a club. He knocked one of his eye teeth out and wore it on a necklace. He bought an eye patch, even if he had both eyes. In his mind, if you claim to be a pirate, you must first look the part.

The last of the three was Ben. he decided to whore his way on the island and kill anyone who would try to step in contact with Lew. Lew still wanted to learn how to read, he suspected the dwarf did the job poorly. And Ben decided to thwart all Lew's plans. This went so far, that at the end, I believe Lew was poisoned and bedridden until we finished the retrofit and sailed out. Hur in meantime, had the dwarf write a recruitment notice, and to add that all who knew how to read need not apply.

At the end, we got two dozens of goblins, an elf cook assistant that was missing a limb, and a quintet of sentient singing monkeys. On the ship we got rid of the oars, and instead got a wheel propelled by the might of forty pairs of pedals. This gave us enough room for the crew and plunder to be.

Part II


  1. I wish this kind of roleplaying was available in MMOs (and by available I mean players have tools and game mechanics exist which facilitate runaway imagination).

    Also, congratulations on your NBI 2 award :)

    1. Thank you. My aim, when I applied to NBI was simply to spread the word about my blog. To actually win Prolific Pen Award.. I feel honoured. Thank you.